O' Lord of the Loo, mighty Restroom Redeemer
Blessed of the Bowels, O' great Colon Cleaner
I beseech thee: grant me these three bountiful boons
A good dump and a fresh rump without which we be doomed
But the third of your most beneficent gifts
Is that all men must squateth when he taketh a shit
Every man, woman and child learns to wipeth his own ass
And all men are embarrassed by the first sign of gas
It begins with a tremor and a belch in the stomach
Lo, it is a prophecy that an earthquake is coming!
"Excuse me," we say and blast open the door
And pray, O' Loo Lord, that we don't shit on the floor
The bomb drops and it's over, save the lingering fumes
The aftermath from the blast in a public washroom
Awkward? Yes, and not a single man is excused
But that, dear disciples, is why this be Good News
All mortals are equal in the eyes of this Lord
Who cares little of rank, class, title or score
From Popes to Prime Ministers, or President Obama
So, too, the great Lama has lived out this drama
Their shit stinketh too, like the rest of us bums
So let us all salute the savior of man
the great God of the Dung!
Excerpt from God of Dung, which you should definitely buy.
So you want to write to GoD? Well, which one? There's over 33 million Gods featured in GoD. You'll need to be more specific. To help you get started, here's a list of Gods who may still accept correspondence from mere mortals like you. Choose one and we'll take it from there.
Okay, so now that you've selected a God, we need to propitiate his ass. Fear not. This is pretty much like kissing up to your boss. If you've ever sacrificed a goat to score a dream job, then you already know the drill. Oh, look! There's a goat right down there. Yeah, it's twisted, but what can you do? The Gods never claimed to be vegetarians. Okay, so nobody will ever tell you this, but that cursor on your screen is really a knife (programmers have a sick sense of humor). So go ahead and stab, er, that is "click" the sacrifice. If you're on your phone or a tablet, then just use any finger with the longest nail.
And that's it! No big deal, huh? You wonder what all the fuss is about. But if you reeeaaly want to impress your God, then buy the damn book. No pressure. Okay, now go ahead and whine to your God. Keep it short.
The Gods got your message.They will get back to you when they please.
Welcome to cult. We bring knowledge to you. We serve wisdom words. Over million served! Here TOP FIVE Wisdoms from the Holy Dung God. Be good disciple and take Wisdom Words to world. World need hear this before too late...
Now fill head with wisdom, disciple need tunic.
Disciple no walk naked in public.
BUY TUNIC. YOU BUY NOW.
And now BUY HOLY BOOK. BUY NOW, DAMN YOU!